Lately I have been thinking on getting old. I know I’m still young, but lately I have encountered some ghosts from my past that got me thinking.
I don’t feel the same as when I was 18 years old and still, I don’t feel my age. I feel like on some sort of age limbo, where I have a number attached to me because I was born on a particular year, but I don’t feel like the people who are my age.
I have met lately with some friends from primary and secondary school with whom I had lost contact. Some of them are married, most of them have kids; and if they are not married already, they are planning their fast approaching weddings. Some people from my high school have personal and professional freedoms that I am quite jealous about. I don’t know if this is because my career lasted longer, or because I grew up in an extremely controlling environment (and I felt quite comfortable in it, truth be told.)
When I think of my future, it’s completely uncertain. I have an idea of the road I want to take, but life has taught me so many times that the road I choose might not be the one I’m supposed to take that I don’t know what to think.
I feel like I have matured so much in some aspects, like something inside of me suddenly just clicked. But in others, I feel so immature. (refer to this post to learn about that–sorry it’s only in Spanish though) I feel like I have so much more to grow, to actually be able to wear the “big girl pants”. So that’s the limbo, in age I am an adult, in mentality it all depends on the situation. And in reality, I am everything but an adult (except on the bill paying area, and I don’t even pay everything I’m supposed to).
And after talking to some friends, I realised that I’m not the only one that feels that way. Not many of us feel the age we have. Sometimes we feel so much younger and sometimes we feel older. For example when we are dreaming of our careers and the possibilities that we have we feel 18 again. But when we have to pay taxes, credit card bills we feel like adults again. And honestly in that matter, more than once I just want to give back my license. And maybe that fear of “not wanting to grow up” is the thing that’s keeping me on my secure limbo. I am happy inside my comfort zone. And life is all about getting out of your (and others’) comfort zone.
I am working on it, I really am. I have to acknowledge that I am human. That I am supposed to make mistakes, and that everyone around me is bound to make them. We are supposed to learn new things all the time. We are supposed to grow up all the time. I have to remember that in the ride that is life I will get hurt, many times. But I have to be resilient enough to get up every single time. To learn from my mistakes, and try not to repeat them. To speak for myself, to stand up for what I believe even in front of the bullies in my life.
In the end, age is just a number. Maturity? now that’s another story. And one I’m still working on. And I expect to be doing so for many years to come. I can worry about wrinkles and wear sunscreen everyday (which I do), and try to eat an alkaline diet (which I do– most of the time at least) and do exercise to take care of my body. And hope that this will help me in -at least physically- to age in a healthy manner. But, that won’t change my place in the limbo. My personal development of maturity will.
Lots of Love