This semester I have been extremely busy. Not as busy as other years (Hello intern year…), but busy. So busy, that I have been able to justify in my mind the procrastination of many important things. Writing for this blog included.
Do not get me wrong, I love writing. And ever since I started the blog, I actually enjoy sharing my ideas, or even my “web diary”. The problem has been that this semester I have had to encounter myself with parts of me that are not necessarily what I want to portray to the world.
But yesterday, I re-encountered myself with a dear old friend, and he mentioned that he liked the blog. And to be honest, I felt bad for this site. I have been neglecting it. And not from lack of material, but from lack of wanting to write. I decided that procrastination on the things that matter to me has never been my MO, therefore, I had to write something now.
What has happened these past months? I stopped feeling. I had an emotional rollercoaster the first 6-7 months of the years. And it was so intense, that when life allowed me to have I break I took it. And I relished on it. It also helps that when I make myself extremely busy I can actually act “normal” for the sake of my family and friends. So, that worked to solvent some problems on the family relations front.
Furthermore, the solution I always have for everything is to immerse myself in work. That way I get stressed with everything I have to do, and I don’t have to think about what I don’t like. It’s a great way to avoid feeling anything at all.
But, the year is coming to an end, and life is demanding of me that I feel once more. It might have given me a period of “not feeling”, but that is not the case anymore. Emotions have come back with an impetus of such magnitude that I simply cannot ignore them.
When I was learning integrative medicine, one of my teachers told me that the most important part of being healthy is having coherence with oneself.
That means, actually FEELING, next thinking based on those feelings, and in the end ACTING on them. The only thing I have done correctly in that matter lately has been acting on the things that I felt before summer.
On the bright side, making myself extremely busy with work and whatnot has granted me opportunities to grow in manners that I wouldn’t have considered a few months ago. So, for that I am thankful. I have actually achieved some goals that a year ago where a distant, if not almost impossible fragment of my imagination.
Without actually being aware of it, trying not to feel anything, and burying myself with work was exactly what I needed. I learned new things, and I have had to look at myself in the mirror at say “Cut the bullshit, what do YOU want?”
To be honest, I am scared more than ever for what can come in the distant future. I am scared to get hurt again, or to be the one that does the hurting. I am scared for the places I might go with the path I have chosen amongst this crazy self imposed work load. But, for the first time in months I am excited. I have understood that there are some things that I definitely cannot control, and that I have nothing else to do but accept them, learn from them and actually be grateful.
But most of all, I am scared because I still don’t know what do I want for the distant future. I just know what I want now, and where do I want it to take me in a few years. But in the long run? now, that is another story.
There is nothing more to do but trust, eat chocolate along the way. Finally start to dance as if no one is watching and just be happy and grateful for the things that life has blessed me with.
Lots of Love
* All images via pinterest.